When You're Done Here ...

Feel free to go here.

I laughed and laughed.

And laughed some more ...

I Thee Wed ...

Oct 16, 2008 - Thursday
Quibbit and I have the day off, and spend it doing last minute things. At the train station we run into Danielle Ferland another one for the list; her looks and voice are unmistakable ... I'd know that Little Red Riding Hood anywhere!

"Excuse me," she says to me ... pointing toward the tracks, "Does this side go to Brooklyn?" She's got her toddler son (or possibly nephew) squirming around in her arms.

"Yes, it does ..." I say, and then, before she has a chance to move away I blurt out (so un-Luvvie-like) "Are you a star?"

Of course she laughs. "I'm not a STAR, but I am an actress ..." and I cut here off here to continue my non-Luvvie-like intrusion ... "Into the Woods?"

And she smiles ... but it's clear she's got to get back to her toddler son (nephew) and get on with her "life". She gets off at Union Street and I wonder if she's auditioning for some community theatre thing ...

Oct 17, 2008 - Friday
Blissfully happy ... that I'm not starring in my own reality show!

As Quibbit makes his way to lower Manhattan to meet his dad and sister (fresh from the airport) and pick up the tuxes, I stay at home packing up various suitcases (one for the night at my parent's house, one for the wedding night). I vacillate between joy and hysterics as one moment finds me admiring my wedding shoes, while the next moment finds me unable to find the Marriage License.

Luvvie [on phone to mother]: We can't get married! They won't marry us! I can't find the license! I lost the license! We just looked at it! (This goes on for a while, as mother calmly interjects, at appropriate intervals)

Mom: Yes you can ... yes they will ... you'll find it ... no you didn't ... it's there somewhere ... don't worry ... (repeat till Luvvie is apoplectic - I won't be calmed down!!).

Of course, the license was right where we left it.

Rehearsal night was amazing ...
Seeing GoldenBoy and MattyMoo for the first time in YEARS, having everyone gathered in the church -- friends, kids, parents, siblings, all feeling wonderful, all laughing ... joking ... catching up. Then, to the neighborhood diner ... to heck with these fancy "rehearsal dinner"s!!! Just good old fashioned tuna melts, burgers, grilled cheese sandwiches ... and cup cakes for the kids from a neighboring table. Then, to bed early and dreaming of the day to come!

Oct 18, 2008 WEDDING DAY!
I wake up at my parent's house feeling amazing. Not nervous ... just the right amount of giddy but amazingly calm and joyful. I sing "Wedding Day! Wedding Day!" to my parents as we have some breakfast together, then mom and I are off to the beauty parlor at 10:00 for our hair. It's surreal to be there, on my wedding day, but in a really fun way, just soaking in the neighborhood women who told the stories of their wedding days ... the funny parts, the amazing parts ... so many hugs at the end, and still the day is just starting!

Meanwhile, on the other side of Brooklyn ...
Quibbit wakes up and gets ready for his haircut ... looks in the mirror and thinks he should do something about his dark eye circles. He (the furthest thing from a metro sexual) wanders into the M.A.C. cosmetics store around the corner and charmingly says ... "It's my wedding day ... help!" The girls are happy to help him, and full of good wishes. He then makes his way to cut his hair ... and throws in a manicure for good measure. ("Everyone will be looking at our hands!" I must have said a million times ... )

He goes back to the apartment, gathers up his bags, take the garbage to throw away, and heads to my parents' house. When changing at the express stop he looks down and realizes he has taken the garbage with him ... so he throws it in the nearest receptacle at the train station. Totally Quibbit.

Back at Mom and Dad's ...
Relatives start arriving, Honor Attendants, and flowers! Everyone is happy, no one is nervous, no one snaps. Makeup is applied, hair is curled, perfume, dusting powered, stockings, earrings ...

Photographer arrives and starts taking candid shots. Quibbit arrives and we play Marco Polo ... calling to each other but avoiding seeing each other. It's all a happy blur, and somehow all our clothes come on correctly,

and we start making our way to the Church. My voluminous dress takes up much of the back seat of the limo ... my Mom and Dad take up the other available spots.


At the Church ...
Di, Dad and I stand in the back, and oddly I'm not crying buckets the way I'd imagine I'd be. I'm just filled with this great happiness that seems to take me over and make me terribly gracious. I hear Clair de Lune being played and am very happy ... we'd asked the organist to play it. It's a moon song, and Quibbit and I have a moon theme ... and no one needs to know, but we know.

Finally, the song starts to play, and Di makes her way down the aisle. Dad and I are supposed to wait for her to get all the way down there but it's so far, and I'm so eager, and so we wait till she's half way down. As we start to walk there's so much flashing before my eyes, but all of it is coated in this misty happiness, and when I start to see faces smiling at me I can't help but smile back through these eyes shining with tears ... and I see M watching me ... her face is red with tears but she's smiling, and i just have to laugh with her ... we'd been in exact opposite spots five years ago, and I knew how she was feeling.

I looked up at one point, up at the huge cathedral ceiling of the church and just took in the huge expanse of it all, stopping the moment for a bit so that I could pick it up later and remember it ... remember this amazing feeling of perfectness as I walk down the aisle toward Quibbit.

Five feet from the end I have to just break into an enormous smile because everyone has their cameras out ... there are flashbulbs in my face and I feel like a celebrity, so many eyes on me ... but me just waiting to see my love.

The people part, and there's Quibbit ... I'm amazed at how regal he looks, how stately, and how his face is full of this overwhelming love for me. I kiss my dad on the cheek, then give him a hug ... then another little kiss ... it's a happy moment but I know he's been worried about crying too much, and I want to reassure him that he did just right.

I take Quibbit's hand and the ceremony begins. One by one, the Wonderful Moments happen. GoldenBoy does the first reading and when he's done he comes and gives me a kiss ... 24 years later and here we are, sharing this wonderful moment together.

All Through The Ceremony ...
Quibbit and I stay very present, we smile at each other constantly, we hold hands throughout, and we whisper to each other. Because, of course, we can.

We get ready to say our own vows ... when Quibbit reads his I'm astonished at how lovely they are, and of course at the same time I'm not astonished at all ... Quibbit puts 100% of himself in everything he does. His words are so powerful that even the priest feels they should be acknowledged ... and encourages everyone to applaud. it's a moment that makes us laugh. I say my vows and am overcome by how much I love Quibbit ... my voice cracks a few times, but I get through it. I look at Quibbit as he listens to me and we lock eyes ... it's been like this from that first moment.

We exchange rings, and then continue on ... at some point I look over at Di and she whispers "You're married now!" "I know!" I say, in an exaggerated way, and we both smile because we're being purposely playful. "You look different!" she says, and it's both true and a parody of the truth. I love her for saying it ...



The Ceremony is Over, and We're Married!
We fly down the aisle, so happy, so elated ... ebullient ... other words that mean bouncy. We stop and kiss, but the photographer didn't get it ... she tells us to do it again ... and again ... and we do ... because it's funny ...the whole church laughs. The receiving line is a big, happy, wonderful blur ... one fabulous face after another and everyone so happy ... people saying funny things ... Ant's opening line: "So, what's new?" So fun. Then bubbles, pictures, cheers, and more pictures! Everyone is happy, everyone is smiling, and Quibbit and I feeling like the eye of the (good) storm, just enjoying it all.

Then Into the Limo ...
Just the 2 of us ... finally alone and so very happy. We break open the champagne and drink ... smiling, laughing ... we've combined our last names into a hyphenated name for both of us ... we call each other Mr. and Mrs. Quibb-a-Roo and toast, and kiss ... awash in this amazing glow. Just around the corner from our reception our limo takes us through Times Square ... tourists are everywhere and the car is surrounded ... Strangers shouting congratulations! at us, taking our picture as we laugh, a little embarrassed at all the attention but so happy to be a part of people's excitement ... as much as they want to be part of ours. Even the limo driver has to laugh ... he's never been swarmed before.

Then to the Bridal Suite ...
On top of the world! The 21st floor overlooking all of Times Square ... Floor to Ceiling windows on 2 sides of the room, flooding it with lights that seem like fireworks, like the whole world is celebrating with us. More photos, then Quibbit goes down to see the guests (and get a platter of cheese) while Di works to bustle the dress. I slip on huge Mary Jane platform shoes that I'd worn at work, every day, for seven years ... they look monstrous but they're very comfortable and I can run in them if I have to. We laugh that these are actually my "comfy shoes".

Down to the reception ...
The place looks amazing. An old theatre, now refurbished, but still filled with the Ghosts of Broadway Shows Past. People are there, enjoying themselves, and all so happy to see us. We make the rounds, and it's one happy moment after another. Everyone is excited and happy, everyone can't wait to see the room which, till now, has been closed off.

And then it's time for us to be announced ...
First parents and sisters, then Honor Attendants Di and Quimica, and then us ... Mr. and Mrs. Quibb-a-Roo ... we head for the stage amidst clapping and a standing ovation ... like winning the Tony ... but better of course. Our first dance ... Dusty Springfield cooing "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" and the world disappears .... it's Quibbit and me twirling slowly under the lights, dazzling, perfect, his eyes locked on mine and I feel more love than I ever thought existed. Then our second dance, Polyphonic Spree's "Light and Day" just like we planned... a song that started out slow so that people would dance with us, then an exuberant burst of happiness ... Quibbit and I break apart and start jumping joyfully ... we're all over the stage like maniacs, like bubbles bumping around in a glass of champagne.

People are watching us, smiling ... they circle us and start to clap but this isn't a moment for the spotlight, this is a moment for everyone to join with us and jump around too ... and I gesture ... and they do. I'm amazed at the people jumping around ... senior citizens putting us to shame with their moves ...

Riding on the whirlwind of the dance...
Our friend Ohbeeb comes forward to give us our second ceremony ... our second blessing. She speaks of our Love Tornado that was sweeping everyone in the room into a joyful celebration. She invites everyone in the room to go and continue to spread the love that we inspired that night ... to continue loving with as much power as possible.

The night continues on ...
Full of treasured moments ... wonderful speeches, amazing food and drink, and crazy dancing! There are moments that Quibbit and I share privately (like taking the stage and tangoing across it as people sat an ate ... or dancing to our own private joke "Dreams of the Everyday Housewife" ...). There are moments that we shared with our families, and moments that we shared with the whole room!

When it was over some core people lingered ... we watched as the flowers were put away and finally allowed ourselves to be tired. Still as happy as we were when the day begun, probably even happier, Quibbit and I said our final good nights and went up to our room on the top of the world. It was the end of a wonderful day ... and it was just the beginning....

For Better ... For Worse ...

A quote from Ellen DeGeneres:

"Watching the returns on election night was an amazing experience. Barack Obama is our new president. Change is here. I, like millions of Americans, felt like we had taken a giant step towards equality. We were watching history.

"This morning, when it was clear that Proposition 8 had passed in California, I can’t explain the feeling I had. I was saddened beyond belief. Here we just had a giant step towards equality and then on the very next day, we took a giant step away.

"I believe one day a 'ban on gay marriage' will sound totally ridiculous. In the meantime, I will continue to speak out for equality for all of us."

FOR BETTER: On October 18th, 2008 I married my love, Quibbit.
FOR WORSE: Now, just weeks later, couples who finally got the opportunity to do the same, had the right cruelly taken away.

How in the world can someone be so bold as to insinuate their own lifestyle choices into the lives of others?

My big question for some time now has been ... what exactly does it mean to be married? Ever since Quibbit and I got engaged it's been a question I've turned over and over in my head. Why do people get married? More specifically ... why did Quibbit and I choose to get married? And then further ... why did we choose to have a wedding ... a church ceremony followed by a reception populated by our friends and family? And how would I feel if I was told that no matter how much I loved my partner, that I was simply unfit to have the same joy, the same process, the same rights, both legal and human as every other "acceptable" loving couple? All these years I thought my longstanding friendships with people who were gay gave me an insite into their struggle. But no one just took away my wedding day ... no one just undid my choice. I realize I know NOTHING of what it feels like.

When people say "I don't believe in marriage", I would like it so much more if they qualified it with "for myself" or anything else that keeps me out of their self referential loop. Further, I would ask the same for those who say "I don't believe gays should be married". Please, keep others out of your self referential loop. These are some of the same people who feel that being gay is a choice. A bad choice. What's bad is the CHOICE to be close minded. Love, in whatever form, on whatever level, abiding by whatever terms, is never wrong, never bad. And should NEVER be controlled by those who don't understand or participate in it. You simply shouldn't legislate an emotion, a belief ... a core essence of existence.

I know gay couples who have been together for years and are 100% committed without being married. I know straight couples who also aren't married but are committed. Look, I can't seem to pin down why a wedding is so much more than the components. I just know that to me it is. I KNOW that something magical happened the day Quibbit and I stood in church, bonding our lives together. I saw it in our friend's faces. I've read it in words of people who were so moved by our day that they needed to tell us how deeply they were affected. But that day was simply an outward manifestation of what we've felt for each other from the beginning.

Our love and celebration was all around us, intangible, sparkling ... amazing. And Quibbit and I, by a stroke of luck, were able to have our day because our genders are considered an appropriate pairing.

If someone came to me today and told me that my marriage was now overturned I wouldn't even know how to process that. Because, ultimately, you can't go back and undo something that's been done. It begs the question of why anything is important ... why anything matters ... why we navigate through challenges at all ... I don't know the answer. I'm just asking the questions.

When I saw Ellen and Portia's beautiful wedding photos, I'd never felt so happy for a celebrity couple. I saw love and celebration, contentment, happiness ... and above all ... a click. Two spirits who came together and found their origin in each other. Why would strangers want to overturn something so meaningful simply because they don't understand it? Once again, I repeat what I'd said MONTHS ago ... it's the fine line between understanding and appreciating. You can think you understand what a process means ... and you can even appreciate what that process means for yourself. But unless you are completely without prejudice (and talking all across the board here ... ), TRUE prejudice -- an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge -- you simply cannot appreciate what the process means to other people. And therefore you have no right to meddle in it. I can't even imagine what it feels like to be hated by countless people for the simple expression of my love to my partner. I've been close friends with several gay people over the course of my life but until now I really didn't even slightly understand how awful it feels to be alienated by people who don't agree with how you choose to celebrate your love. I guess because it wasn't even an issue for me, I didn't understand that still, it was an issue for them.

"We don't need a piece of paper to prove our commitment" is often said. I find it odd that people even qualify that. No one needs anything to make something so. But if two people choose to get that little piece of paper ... isn't it hypocritical to demonize them for it? If you put meaning into something, then it holds meaning for you. Not to mention, it makes it legal, and give you protection under the law. So, in the most unromantic of lights, it sure does mean something.

All anyone asks for, ultimately, is understanding. And support of their decisions. And a little love along the way, instead of judgment. It's all I wanted from my friends ... and it's all I want for all my gay friends every where -- those who chose to have a ceremony, and those who didn't.

Quibbit, who's watched me cry over this, said that Proposition 8 may have some positive consequence ... becuase it forces people to re examine their feelings on this ... and brings people like myself to become even more committed to bringing about a change for equality. And he's right. While I've only stood on the sidelines for all these years, I now feel a desperate need to align myself with other like-minded thinkers and do all that I can to make sure that, as Ellen says, one day a "ban on gay marriage" will sound totally rediculous.

I just couldn't feel right about joyfully recounting my happiness without first mentioning how truly sad I am for every loving couple who was told their day didn't mean anything ... by people who had no right to say a word.